Today isnt so good....i figured i'd share whats been goign on with me,with every1 else,u got any comments please post,ur all welcome to say wat u want,so here it goes....
today i woke up to jenn's text saying she was online.so i went online like 30 mins after she texted me and yeah,shes on like a mental breakdown or w/e.i dont kno how to help her,i just listen to her and try to give her advice and the truth but everything i say comes out wrong and/or taken in the wrong way.i seriously dont know what to do or say.i feel like...idk....like im missing sumthing.like i kno she loves me and i love her but theres a part of her that i feel....i hate to say it...but theres a part of her that wants Scott.....its hard for me to say bcuz....well i dont get along with scott.i mean i dont have a problem with him other than the fact that...well i cant say it here bcuz its personal to jenn,but its what she told me that erks the shit out of me and i just want to slice his FUCKIN DICK OFF and FEED it to HIM!!
But i cant blame jenn for wanting him back,hes not ugly,hes a ncie guy every now and then,he has a dick(cuz i havent gotten ahold of him) (yet) and she loved him.i cant say much in that catorgory bcuz look at me and chris.he treated me like shit,he only wanted sex out of me and i wouldnt give in,a part of me wiches i did,but another part of me is glad i didnt.but there is still a part of me that will always love him,no matter if he says he doesnt believe in love or not,we were together on and off fro 6th grade up untill the beginning of 11th.dont tell me that is nothing!.altho i kno thats exactly what he would say.he wont even tlak to me nemore,he blocks me online,he never talked to me at skool,always told me to leave him alone after i didnt give into him the last time i was at his house.im srry,but his lil sister was there and she kept running up and down the stairs and i didnt want to risk his mom or sister walkin in on nething.like i kno there were other time but idk,i just dont care nemore.i dont even see why i brought this up.its just a pathetic story to try to block out that jenn still loves scott.which i dont blame her or nething....i mean i cant blame her.look at me i mean.im pathetic....
ok just to tell every1,jenn is not the problem,i am.look at it this way,im adding more to jenns problems bcuz im being the insecure,untrustful,inconsiderate,judgemental, hypocritical,misleading,misguided person that i am! go ahead and leave a comment of all the other things i am,believe me i know them all by heart,i just listed the ones i knew right away and are portraying right off the back.
ok so what if i havent been taking my meds,they dont do shit for me.they make me hide my feelings and i dont want to hide nemore.im done hiding!.i cant take this shit nemore,u want to kno the real me then fuckin see me!
my head has so much shit going on inside it right now,srry if none of this makes sense.
to catch u up,my grandmother has been talking to me and sending me e-mails and shit, telling me about my father's grave and how they didnt have enough money for his own spot and didnt have money to get him a grave stone,so he's on top of my grandmother's mother in the left top corner.can u fuckin believe that?!?!?!
im his oldest daughter,i didnt kno him much but i knew him wel enough to kno he was a good guy,yeah he did bad shit every now and then,and yeah hes been to prison a few times,ended up in rehab a couple times,got rushed to the hospital bcuz he slit his wrists so bad he almost bled to death.you know what?!?!? i follow right in his fuckin foot steps!
i fuckin drink all the time,i smoke weed,i swear,i cut,i write,i promise things that shouldnt b promised cuz i kno in the end im going to fuck it all up and hurt people,the people i care about most r the ones that r going to get hurt.my dad stayed friends with all his friends from high school and elementary school and all that shit,so im hoping thats a trait i get from him.i cant lose my friends that i have now cuz right now they r the only thing keeping me here right now.
no1 has ne idea how fuckin bad it hurts ot lose ur FATHER! who cares if u dont get to see him as much as u want to,u can atleast still see him!who cares if u can only see him a certain time of the yr once or twice!who the fuck cares!why dont u try living in my shoes!with my emotions!with my guilt trips i give myself!with my issues!believe me if u had to live one day in my fuckin shoes ud kill urself!.and believe me,dont think i havent thought about it,i think about it every day.
everyday i have a knife in my hand,or a razor trying to shave my legs,a needle trying to sew,a pair of scissors trying to cut up sumthing,dont thinkn it doesnt cross my mind.it runs thru my head like a song would in a normal persons head.
but u see,i have friends who care,and i kno i hurt them when i say i want to die,or when they find out i cut,but they have always been there and the day they arent will b the day i fuckin die.no matter if its from suicide or w/e else.
so u see jenn and me isnt even the problem,i love jenn and i kno we'll get thru this.the whole problem is everything else in my head and every1 in my family.i cant handle ppl tlakign about my dad.when my sister came over on the wkends thats all she'd tlak about. one night me and colby sat on my bed with my black lights on and i just held her and she cried and i cried.and im into wicca,i've done shit loads of spells,nething and everything to try to get a sign from my father,but i get nothing.i cant accept the fact that he's dead.and thats y nothign works for me.my doctors can put me on as many fuckin pills as they want,its not going to do SHIT!
im stringer than ne1 in my family would ever b.but once my friends r gone,im done.im done with this fuckin world.once my moms gone,im gone.i dont care who the hell thinks different.cuz its the truth.
you kno,i dont kno what to say rite now....i just want to be with jenn right now,but a lil while ago she IMED me and said srry and then signed off,so now i cant talk to her and yeah...she thinks im madd at her or sumthing,which im not.im just scared.i dont want to lose her.shes my best friend and much more.I FUCKIN LOVE YOU JENN!!!!SO MUCH!DONT THINK IM MADD BABY,IM NOT....I just want to be with you,and right now it seems impossible....
ok i have to go now,cuz i cant stand crying right now,i need to find sumthign else to do like play a game or sumthing or make sumthing to eat even tho its 12:15am.i cant sit here cuz....i just cant,so im going to play a game on pogo.com and then im going to bed,please leave a comment if u want,i guess u dont have to....no1 does nemore.so i'll write later and i'll hope im not venting about my stupid past and my father and hopefully jenn wont think im madd at ther nemore or nethign liek that.so yeah...bye.