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bleeding parts

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[23 Aug 2009|11:20am]

Hi, i'm new to livejournal.  I've been cutting for a little over a year & usually its to stop feeling numb, to be more focussed & in tune with who I am inside...I'm addicted it but also I don't want to stop...or maybe that's just the addiction speaking.,...but anyways i love it i am mesmerized by blood.
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[09 Jan 2007|01:19am]

Hi Im new
Im not really sure what to say other than, im a cutter like most of you. Im 20, and i live in costa mesa.
Looking for some people to vent to and understand, and wont judge.
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xpost [01 Oct 2006|12:08am]

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[16 May 2006|11:46pm]



For Self Injury
Just Started Up.
Application required to keep out ignorant trolls.
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Battle wounds. [= [23 Mar 2006|08:00pm]

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newww [20 Mar 2006|10:05pm]

happy bloodyarmed birthday.
people make such a ridiculous big deal out of birthdays.
i celebrated my birthday by this.
it's a lot of closeups of a few bloody designs.. soo don't click if you don't like blood.
macroCollapse )
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[18 Feb 2006|12:09am]

1350+ members. Self Injury/Suicide support community. Anyone can join.
If you SI, used to, think about it, know someone who does, etc; feel free to join.
It isn't pro or anti SI, it for support, and support you *will* get there or could give.

It's like a big family more than anything, with new people coming
everyday & sometimes people feeling recovered enough to leave.

It is a safe place to go and let things out, ask for help/advice
or anything of that sort; and it will continue to be safe too.

Remember to read the rules if you join, they're easy to follow but very important. :)
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[18 Sep 2005|03:05pm]


hey guys
come join us
no rating
its fun
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[16 Jun 2005|12:26am]

[ mood | Too Many things.... ]

oh yeah,i forgot to add....i ended up cutting 36 times,going all the way up my left arm......with a razor blade i took out of a razor u shave with.....

i couldnt handle everything so now my arm is numb and im gonna go....


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Bad Day..... [16 Jun 2005|12:23am]


Today isnt so good....i figured i'd share whats been goign on with me,with every1 else,u got any comments please post,ur all welcome to say wat u want,so here it goes....

       today i woke up to jenn's text saying she was online.so i went online like 30 mins after she texted me and yeah,shes on like a mental breakdown or w/e.i dont kno how to help her,i just listen to her and try to give her advice and the truth but everything i say comes out wrong and/or taken in the wrong way.i seriously dont know what to do or say.i feel like...idk....like im missing sumthing.like i kno she loves me and i love her but theres a part of her that i feel....i hate to say it...but theres a part of her that wants Scott.....its hard for me to say bcuz....well i dont get along with scott.i mean i dont have a problem with him other than the fact that...well i cant say it here bcuz its personal to jenn,but its what she told me that erks the shit out of me and i just want to slice his FUCKIN DICK OFF and FEED it to HIM!!

But i cant blame jenn for wanting him back,hes not ugly,hes a ncie guy every now and then,he has a dick(cuz i havent gotten ahold of him) (yet) and she loved him.i cant say much in that catorgory bcuz look at me and chris.he treated me like shit,he only wanted sex out of me and i wouldnt give in,a part of me wiches i did,but another part of me is glad i didnt.but there is still a part of me that will always love him,no matter if he says he doesnt believe in love or not,we were together on and off fro 6th grade up untill the beginning of 11th.dont tell me that is nothing!.altho i kno thats exactly what he would say.he wont even tlak to me nemore,he blocks me online,he never talked to me at skool,always told me to leave him alone after i didnt give into him the last time i was at his house.im srry,but his lil sister was there and she kept running up and down the stairs and i didnt want to risk his mom or sister walkin in on nething.like i kno there were other time but idk,i just dont care nemore.i dont even see why i brought this up.its just a pathetic story to try to block out that jenn still loves scott.which i dont blame her or nething....i mean i cant blame her.look at me i mean.im pathetic....

ok just to tell every1,jenn is not the problem,i am.look at it this way,im adding more to jenns problems bcuz im being the insecure,untrustful,inconsiderate,judgemental, hypocritical,misleading,misguided person that i am! go ahead and leave a comment of all the other things i am,believe me i know them all by heart,i just listed the ones i knew right away and are portraying right off the back.

ok so what if i havent been taking my meds,they dont do shit for me.they make me hide my feelings and i dont want to hide nemore.im done hiding!.i cant take this shit nemore,u want to kno the real me then fuckin see me!

my head has so much shit going on inside it right now,srry if none of this makes sense.

to catch u up,my grandmother has been talking to me and sending me e-mails and shit, telling me about my father's grave and how they didnt have enough money for his own spot and didnt have money to get him a grave stone,so he's on top of my grandmother's mother in the left top corner.can u fuckin believe that?!?!?!

im his oldest daughter,i didnt kno him much but i knew him wel enough to kno he was a good guy,yeah he did bad shit every now and then,and yeah hes been to prison a few times,ended up in rehab a couple times,got rushed to the hospital bcuz he slit his wrists so bad he almost bled to death.you know what?!?!? i follow right in his fuckin foot steps!

i fuckin drink all the time,i smoke weed,i swear,i cut,i write,i promise things that shouldnt b promised cuz i kno in the end im going to fuck it all up and hurt people,the people i care about most r the ones that r going to get hurt.my dad stayed friends with all his friends from high school and elementary school and all that shit,so im hoping thats a trait i get from him.i cant lose my friends that i have now cuz right now they r the only thing keeping me here right now.

no1 has ne idea how fuckin bad it hurts ot lose ur FATHER! who cares if u dont get to see him as much as u want to,u can atleast still see him!who cares if u can only see him a certain time of the yr once or twice!who the fuck cares!why dont u try living in my shoes!with my emotions!with my guilt trips i give myself!with my issues!believe me if u had to live one day in my fuckin shoes ud kill urself!.and believe me,dont think i havent thought about it,i think about it every day.

everyday i have a knife in my hand,or a razor trying to shave my legs,a needle trying to sew,a pair of scissors trying to cut up sumthing,dont thinkn it doesnt cross my mind.it runs thru my head like a song would in a normal persons head.

but u see,i have friends who care,and i kno i hurt them when i say i want to die,or when they find out i cut,but they have always been there and the day they arent will b the day i fuckin die.no matter if its from suicide or w/e else.

so u see jenn and me isnt even the problem,i love jenn and i kno we'll get thru this.the whole problem is everything else in my head and every1 in my family.i cant handle ppl tlakign about my dad.when my sister came over on the wkends thats all she'd tlak about. one night me and colby sat on my bed with my black lights on and i just held her and she cried and i cried.and im into wicca,i've done shit loads of spells,nething and everything to try to get a sign from my father,but i get nothing.i cant accept the fact that he's dead.and thats y nothign works for me.my doctors can put me on as many fuckin pills as they want,its not going to do SHIT!

im stringer than ne1 in my family would ever b.but once my friends r gone,im done.im done with this fuckin world.once my moms gone,im gone.i dont care who the hell thinks different.cuz its the truth.

you kno,i dont kno what to say rite now....i just want to be with jenn right now,but a lil while ago she IMED me and said srry and then signed off,so now i cant talk to her and yeah...she thinks im madd at her or sumthing,which im not.im just scared.i dont want to lose her.shes my best friend and much more.I FUCKIN LOVE YOU JENN!!!!SO MUCH!DONT THINK IM MADD BABY,IM NOT....I just want to be with you,and right now it seems impossible....

ok i have to go now,cuz i cant stand crying right now,i need to find sumthign else to do like play a game or sumthing or make sumthing to eat even tho its 12:15am.i cant sit here cuz....i just cant,so im going to play a game on pogo.com and then im going to bed,please leave a comment if u want,i guess u dont have to....no1 does nemore.so i'll write later and i'll hope im not venting about my stupid past and my father and hopefully jenn wont think im madd at ther nemore or nethign liek that.so yeah...bye.

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i just joined this community.... [08 Jun 2005|12:39am]

[ mood | calm ]

       this is a poem i wrote last night while in the process of cutting.my gf got me upset and said she was going to go on a date with her ex bf and i lost everything and i couldnt talk about it so i wrote a poem and cut.i havent cut in months and i thought i was doing good, and then all of a sudden i lost control of everything.my emotions,my self control,my want,my promises to my friends.it just all got out of control and this is the poem i wrote and yeah,i wanted to post it and see if ne1 else related to it...

Act of Suicide

as i take my bracelets off,
preparing to cut away my feelings,
people's names and faces begin to appear in front of me,
i block them out and continue taking my bracelets off.
once again i failed at a relationsip that means so much.
a short time later they are all off,
i glance at the old scars,
overlooking them all.
i take apart the razor in which the blades i will use,
running my fingertips across the edge of the blade,
feeling the sharpness of every inch,
glancing back up at the ceiling,
wondering if anyone would notice?
hearing nothing,
seeing no one,
i turn back to the blade which i hold in my right hand,
i press firmly against my wrist,
and drag the blade across the scarred skin.
what a familiar feeling,
it burns,it itches,it feels wonderful!
oh, how i have missed this feeling,
all because people cared so much.
i wonder...
will they still care?
or will they be disgusted in the way i acted?
will they disown me?
will i ever hear from them again?
but will they know?
will they know what i have done if not noticable?

as i put my braclets back on,
i watch the blood runn down my wrists,
and ask myself if it was worth it?

i haven't come back to an answer yet,
hopefully one day i will...

Ashley Parks

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[17 Jan 2005|04:06pm]


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[10 Dec 2004|05:37pm]

[ mood | satisfied ]

I guess i havent posted in these communities for a while.

Things are going really great. I havent SI'ed in...geee.....must be almost a month now? Wow. Ive lost count. But things are going really well. My medication is working great, my lows are controlable and i can prevent myself from doing anything stupid, even if i do get the urge once in a while. Ive got a new girl who makes me really happy as well. I dont really know what else to say, things are just looking up. So hang in there everyone, there is hope for us all :)

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[18 Nov 2004|02:17pm]

Its been over a week now since i have done any form of SI. And im posative this time next week ill be able to say its been two. Things are looking up for me. The meds are finally at a working dose. Everything is going well with the family. Everything is going ok with school. Things just are looking up for me.

So everyone out there with a day, an hour, a minute SI free, pat yourself on the back. You CAN do it.
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Day......im not sure [13 Nov 2004|11:56am]

I dont know how long its been, but i havent really earned it. Ive been on an emotional roller coaster of being happy and feeling like shit. Its only a few days and every day i have been on the verge of breaking with the exception of last night when i actually went to bed in a good mood. But i could always be in a good mood if i just grabbed the iron. I guess it isnt real. But i want to so everything will be ok. Grrrrrrrrrr. I just want to cut or burn. I want to feel something i understand. Fuck all this shit. I really am just tired of everything being difficult. Fuck.
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What the hell was i thinking? [09 Nov 2004|03:17pm]

Last night while out with my mother and her friend to celebrate his birthday i excused myself from the table and went into the bathroom. I cut. Higher than normal, as shes been asking to see how my leg has been healing. She wont notice. No one will. I felt better afterwards. Not because of the cuts, they didnt hurt nearly enough. I felt better because i made a call to someone i have been trying to shut out of my life and she helped me. I went to bed with a smile for the first time in a long while. I will not cut today.
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...... [04 Nov 2004|01:45pm]

[ mood | confused ]

I dont know how many days its been, only a few but thats the right direction i guess. Everything seems more difficult. Everything hurts more. Every cry lasts longer. Things just get tougher and tougher. Therapy has been rough. The dreams have been longer and more realistic. I wake up tired every day and dont shake it. Ive been skipping my courses. It seems like everything was easier with the defense. Without my shield everything gets thru.

I guess thats it.

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Ug. [01 Nov 2004|02:15pm]

Really getting tired of failing at this again and again. Had a PTSD dream last night. Woken up in the middle of it by my mother who heard me screaming for help in the middle of the night. I really thought these dreams were over with years ago and havent had one in a long time. Woke up feeling 12 and helpless again. I had gone all weekend without a cut. Not one mark. And i blew it again this morning. Uggg. I really thought i was on a roll. But it just seems like every time i get out of therapy whatever i talk about is just worse for the next couple of days. Uggg. Damn this feeling of hopelesnes and helplesnes.
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Well, day one again [29 Oct 2004|12:06pm]

I blew it. I got home and i did what i knew i was going to. I made it one day. And i was right back to square one. I just cant shake this feeling of hopelessness. When i got home i found out my therapy, meds, and recent hospital bill is gonna cost my mom about 25 grand for one year of keeping me alive. Twenty five thousand dollars. Its not that she doesnt have it. But she retires in a matter of a few years. And i dont want to be responsible for making that difficult on her. So i freaked out. And i cut, i burned, and i snapped at every one of my friends who tried to reach out to me. Im a horrible friend. I depend on everyone around me to be strong enough to keep me in line and when i need help the most i pushed them all away and scream, yell, and curse them till they feel the way about me that i feel about myself. And despite that being what i want it just puts me in an even worse place. My leg looks seriously bad now. I prolly need stiches. Ug. Fuck all of this. Just fuck it all.
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[28 Oct 2004|05:58pm]

Today is the first day i left home without my razor in a while. And its showing. Ive broken down and cried twice in the bathroom today. I cant do this. I would rather bleed and burn than have to feel this horrible again. It has been one whole day now with no self harm. I dont think it will continue after i get home as much as i wish and hope it will. I dont want it to happen. But i know it will. If only i could figure out the pattern. Why one minute im fine, not happy, not exstatic, but fine. And then next i just want to end it. I need to figure it out. Then ill be able to do it. Ill be able to turn one day into two and then three. But right now this one day has gone on forever. Ug. And now i have 4 more hours of class.

I guess thats it. Thanks

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